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I know that everyone thinks about death from time to time. But I feel like I think about it more than others. It’s not secret that I have lots of anxiety, so maybe that’s why–it seems like it goes hand in hand.
Well, I’ve always been sentimental. I place a lot of emotional worth on things and stuff. I have tons of things that I think “gosh, if something happened to “X Person” then I would feel so guilty that I had thrown this out!” I don’t know if that’s being sentimental, a hoarder, or both 
Very recently, when I started reading this book for the book club, Marc went out of town on a work trip to Italy. Let me stop here and answer everyone’s question (because I got asked this a zillion times), No. There’s no way I could’ve gone with him. It’s funny to me how everyone thinks that 1. I would mentally be able to leave my two young children alone while I schlep across the globe. 2. I would have any type of week-long childcare to go on such a trip (when it’s like pulling teeth to go on a date every two months). 3. That it would be worth the $ spent for me to travel with him. And finally, 4. That I wouldn’t be totally out of place on a work trip with Marc’s co-workers.
Oh wait, I’m digressing royally. I was starting to say that Marc went on a trip to Italy, which was very out of the norm around here. He does travel more than I’d like, but never out of the country, and usually not for so long (practically a week). I found myself feeling very anxious about “all the things” that could happen to him travelling from Philly, to London, to Milan, to the village his meetings were at, and then all that in reverse to come home. It seemed like lots of opportunities for danger!
I found myself doing morbid things. I didn’t want to wash my sheets until he came back, because how could I live myself if he never came home? When I did the laundry I had to keep one shirt aside, you know, because it smelled like him and what would I do if I didn’t have one of his shirts to smell for the last time!?
I’m aware that sounds nuts. But I can’t be the only person who does this sort of thing right? Reading Saturday Night Widows during this time was setting me over the edge. Sure, many of the women had husband’s die from long illnesses and they had “time” to say goodbye. But some of them had husbands who just dropped dead inexplicably after getting out of the shower or getting in an ATV accident while enjoying some recreation with friends.
THIS COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE AT ANY TIME. And that’s what freaks me out. I try to keep everything “said” in my life. I always tell my family that I love them. I try to always “clear the air” after arguments, because life is just too short. But it still doesn’t stop me from thinking those crazy thoughts, and from doing those morbid things.
This post was inspired by Saturday Night Widows by Becky Aikman. After being kicked out of her widow support group for being too young, Becky creates her own support group with an unusual twist. Join From Left to Write on February 14 as we discuss Saturday Night Widows. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.
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Having had my mom pass away unexpectedly while only 55, my dad didn’t have anywhere to turn. The only resource was a widows group….and he went (which shocked me)…..and they were all OLD. He didn’t fit it at all…….so sad!
I know how you feel, it is scary. All you can do is what you are already doing, tell and show those that you love how you feel about them and live each day with passion and love.
I play the “what if” game when my husband has to work late and forgets to text me that he’s on his way home. It’s silly, but I think it just shows how much we love our husbands.
I get it, Bay. I worry about “what if” to some degree, but I find it paralyzing, and I’m lucky that I can force myself to push it out of my mind. And I’m in a declutter mode at the moment, which is good because my house needs it!
I totally get this and no, you’re not alone. I used to go by the perfume counter just to smell my mom’s perfume again. It always created an emotional flurry of slobbering snot and sadness, but at least I could remember her for just a little bit.
Time does heal though.
I’m glad your hubby made it back safe and sound! Great and honest post.